Hello again, fellow blog hoppers
and anyone else who wanders in. I’m posting from my WIP tentatively titled Night Shift, which is still in Draft
One. You can read previous excerpts here. I’m picking up directly
from last week’s post, in which Devorah found herself face to face with a demon
out in the woods, grateful that the angel Adrael has appeared to protectively
wrap his arms around her. The first speaker here is the demon Thaumiel.“Who dares deny me?” The voice in my head echoed and seemed to fill me right to my feet.Adrael answered, “My companions and I deny you, as servants of the Light. Go back to the Night, you have no claim on this soul.”A white glow spread from behind us and the demon snatched its hand back; the fire at its back climbed higher. “I remember you, angel—we will meet again.” The demon shot upward in a shower of fire and sparks.Despite something pale and soft that covered me, I started coughing as the smell of burning evergreen filled my nostrils and throat; unable to get any clean air into my lungs, I passed out.
Hope that bit of suspense grabbed
you! If not, well, this is only Draft One, plenty of time to improve J
Be sure to hop back to WeWriWa to find a
story you’ll love; or several, I certainly have! Thanks so much for dropping
in. I enjoy having company J
I would definitely want an angel protecting me if I had to face a demon. Worried about her inability to breath. Good tension.
ReplyDeleteThanks Chelle. It's nice to see you!
DeleteDramatic! I'd say she was fortunate...since it's draft one, teeny nit: I wouldn't use the word "back" twice in one sentence...but surely can't wait for more of this fascinating story.
ReplyDeleteHi Veronica! Yup, draft one stuff. And I forgot to mention that the excerpt is condensed and tweaked a bit to fit into eight sentences. But I'm pleased that you like it :)
DeleteI sure do like Adrael! I'd like a protector like him. This is a frightening moment in the book, I think.
ReplyDeleteHow big was the display of sparks and fire--since this is only draft one? This is the visual I had--a very small "shower" like a small display of fireworks that you'd light and then toss by hand into the yard. Is that how you meant it? And I can't picture a shower of flames. Showers come down. Flames go up. Just my thoughts. And sometimes I don't see what's right in front of me. :-)
Well, this bit is lacking the impact of the full scene. The trees all around where Devorah is standing are now on fire. Thaumiel is a fire-attuned demon, and he knows fire scares the crap out of humans, so he would make a big show. Once I finish this draft, I'd love to have a few people read it all the way through. Some things would be much clearer then.
DeleteHmm, I understand what Teresa's saying, but if the demon shot up...his fire and sparks would rain down...I dunno. This eight is very intense, and I'm glad Adrael showed up when he did!
ReplyDeleteMillie, that's more of what I had in mind. It's not real clear in a snippet this short. I'm glad you came by today :)
DeleteScary snippet! Powerful and thank goodness for Adrael!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you like this one. Adrael is so convenient, I may have to shake things up so me and the characters don't rely on him too much .... :)
DeleteExcellent. Love the dialogue and your use of words are other worldly. I can visualize the scene. Scary stuff!
ReplyDeleteThe Murders of Polly Frisch
Aw thanks bunches. Polly's almost as nasty, though :D
DeleteGood thing Adrael was visiting from the first heaven.
ReplyDeleteHey Pete, thanks for coming by. Adrael was nearby anyway, but you can bet Devorah is especially glad he showed up.
DeleteGood solid critique here. Heed the advice. Good eight with a bit of trim. Definitely other worldly.
ReplyDeleteHi Charmaine. Yup, I expect a lot of stuff will get incorporated into the next draft. The excerpts are always tweaked and tidied for WeWriWa, but even so, it's still first draft.
DeleteDid the demon's fire start a forest fire?
ReplyDeleteSue Ann, it's not clear in this snippet, but lightning ignited the trees, then the demon showed up. He is fire-attuned, meaning he has control over it, so he augmented what the lightning started. It makes more sense in the full scene. It's nice to see you!
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